Eclipse Review
by Sir Egg of Breakfast
Summary: ANTI-TWILIGHT-STUFF. In which Eclipse is reviewed, Jacob has strange new feelings, Seth Clearwater is dropped from the plot and I am still unsure why I decided to read this series.


**Rated T cause there's a bit of swearing near the end.**

Twilight Book Three review: Eclipse.

Eclipse is a very good name for this book. An eclipse is the covering of the sun. The sun is a good thing, giving light and heat.

Now allow me to continue this metaphor in book terms.

The sun represents all decent book series and their respective authors. You know, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, etc. Books with actual plot –cough, unlike Twilight, cough. Eclipse represents the Twilight Saga, covering up all decent literature.

You see my point? I didn't have high expectations for this book after suffering through the other two.

Eclipse begins with… *gasp* MURDERS! Yes, Forks, Washington, has now turned into CSI: Forks. Well, technically CSI: Seattle cause all the murders are happening there. Mr Glitter –Edward- believes these are caused by new-born vampires who can't control their bloodlust. _Like that makes it OK to kill humans_. Anyway, what's wrong with donated blood? Or why can't the vampires drink just a little blood instead of having to kill a human? Dammit Bella, why aren't you asking these questions? Yeah, I know it isn't Bella's fault but she could show a little concern for the human race.

So anyway, Mr. Glitter and Captain Whinge are filling out collage applications. Bella is explaining to Edward she wants to see Jacob, as is the basis of every healthy relationship, filling in your partner on every single bloody thing you do. Why not just put a camera in her car or something, Edward, cause that seems to be the kind of relationship you two have going on.

Then Psychic Cullen –Alice- enters with a vision. See? Inappropriate time Alice, with all your future skills could you not wait until after these two had sorted out their issues? Actually that means they'd be there for months, never mind. Alice says that Victoria –she's the evil vampire from the last book, you may remember, but I try to forget the horror of the last two books– is back hunting Bella. Do these vampires really have nothing better to do with their time than hunt Bella? Technically it wasn't even Bella who killed James so, I hate to say it (because I kind of do wish shed hurry up and kill Bella Swan, the Mary Sue to rule all Mary Sues) but Victoria actually has no reason to come after Bella for revenge. Emmet and Jasper are the two she SHOULD hunt for revenge. Bella is an easier target, but if she was that desperate for revenge it seems shed go after the killers instead.

That was a long sentence. But my point is if she wanted revenge for James death, why go after the person who didn't kill him? Writing fail Meyer.

Bella insists the werewolf pack won't harm her –Sorry, Bella did you miss the part where one of their girlfriends had her face clawed by her werewolf boyfriend? Clearly Bella must find this non-threatening. Or maybe Forks is just a place where obsessive werewolf-vampire-human relationships are common. Edward is sure it's a bad idea so Bella escapes to La Push –Look at the word `escape` people! This ain't healthy- to see Jacob when Edwards away –probably off chasing bunnies for blood or something- and when she comes back unharmed Edwards all _Eh, OK. Chilling with one more supernatural creature can't possibly be dangerous, right?_

He allows Bella to see her werewolf chums once in a while as long as she has a phone with her the entire time. Possessive, much?

During one of these trips Jacob ends up kissing Bella and telling her he loves her. Bella punches him. My respect for her went up about half a percent. Then she breaks her hand, giving a new meaning to the words _accident prone_.

Swiftly moving on from the trails of Jacobs's love life, we discover Bella is trying to persuade Edward to have sex. Edward refuses, saying he could kill her. Let's not get involved in the science of this situation. But upon realizing how much sex means to Bella Edward says he will do it after they've got married. Uh… so Bella wants to get married for sex and how handsome Edward is? Really? Sheesh… Bella doesn't want to get married, but wants to spend eternity with Edward. Right, this is gonna get deep folks. Feeling and stuff ahead. I think life is meant to be short for a reason- it's something that burns brightly, and we have to treasure it before it's gone. If you live forever, youll end up being tired of losing people.

So, my philosophising aside, the Dynamic Duo –Edward and Bella- have now discovered the murders are being committed by none other than Victoria, James psychotic girlfriend. Yep, she's back. Again. Victoria has picked up an army of new born vampires, who are all blood-lusting and super strong. This ain't the Scouts people! So the Cullens decide to protect Bella by teaming up with the werewolf pack. And because everyone loves Bella so much they all become a team. Teamwork! Now if all these hormonal, angst filled supernatural beings can avoid ripping each other to shreds then, as my grandpappy says, it'll be grand.

As everybody prepares to face off with Victoria and the badman vampire crew, Bella, Jacob and Edward decide this is a jolly good time to take a camping trip up in the mountains. Oh, and they bring this werewolf kid called Seth Clearwater along too for unknown plot reasons. But everybody forgets about Seth, so, uh, sorry Seth. Bella starts to freeze –no freaking duh, she's on a mountain- so Jacob is all like, _Yo Bella I'm a human radiator wanna warm up with me?_ Sneaky Jacob is in for another shot, cuddling Bella close, which of course has Eddy the human icebox glaring daggers. It's like the Jeremy Kyle show. On a mountain. Without Jeremy Kyle.

During the night Bella eavesdrops on a conversation between the Furry Paws and the Disco Ball. Basically they gossip like two old ladies about Bella. In the morning Jacob overhears Bella and Edward discussing their engagement. He takes it surprisingly well and realizes romance comes in many forms. Nah, just joshing you folks, he goes in a strop worthy of a hormonal teenager. And as a hormonal teenager I know a lot about stropping. Jacob is all _Bella is in love with the vampire! What does he have that I don't? Sparkles? A conditioner that smells like strawberries? The next season of Doctor Who? An eighth Harry Potter book? Why won't you love me Bella!? *Insert angst here*_

Me: *pats Jacob on the back* There, there. Feeling better now?

Jacob: She doesn't love me! Better die in battle and manipulate her into loving me.

Me: *In War Doctor voice* Oh for God's sake…

Bet nobody told Charlie about Bella's Unexpected Mountain Adventure. Nope, just expect him to deal with it, I guess. Poor Charlie.

So Victoria finds their hiding spot. Dun dun DUN! Ooh, whatever will happen now?

Edward kills her. I won't sugar-coat it people, he legit kills her. And Seth is magically re-introduced into the plot and kills this Riley dude that she chills with. He's also evil, just look for the red eyes in Twilight. Gold eyes = good; red eyes = bad. Anyhow, while Midsummer Murders has been taking place on a mountain, the werewolf and vampire team –which team? WILDCATS, sorry couldn't resist- have legit murdered all the evil red eyes vampires. Some of them could have been saved and turned onto an animal blood diet, but I guess we'll never know, cause they're all, like, dead. Jacob yells _FOR NARNIA_ , charges into battle and saves Leah Clearwater from a newborn vampire. Just kidding, he doesn't actually yell For Narnia. He wishes he was that awesome.

So the battle is won. Bella hid on a mountain, Jacob tried to off himself in battle and Edward legit murdered a vampire. Not exactly Star Wars, but whatever. Jacob injures himself and Carlisle has to break a bone to re fit it –Edward was probably like _he needs a bone breaking? I'm your man!_ Because they're both madly in love with Bella even though she lacks a personality- when all of a sudden the Volturi turn up to help slay some newborn vampires. Shame they are a bit late. And by a bit late I mean missed the entire battle. Then again, so did Bella.

Bree is one newborn who surrendered, but the Volturi kill her. Guess giving one kid who was forced into an unknown war a second chance is too much to ask, huh? Nobody dwells on this for too long though because everyone's favourite character Bella is next on the Volturis agenda. Her date for becoming a vampire has been set. Which is terrifying, because an immortal whiny Mary Sue? Computer says no.

Back in Forks Bella tells Jacob she's chosen Edward over him. Rub it in Bella. Now Jacobs gonna go all Hulk. Jacob is heartbroken. If only I could find it within myself to care. Jacob spews out some poetic crap like, _I am the sun, and Edward is the eclipse. You are… I dunno, the international space station?_ Bella heads back to Eddy. Bella and Edward head to Alice, who –surprise, surprise- already knows they are getting married. (Say, Alice, this future thing seems very handy. How about next week's lottery numbers?) Alice has already begun planning for their wedding. Look Alice, I'm happy for ya and imma let you finish but the Doctor and River had the best wedding of all time. And having a wedding is about what makes you happy, not other people. Like, I knew a couple who were gonna be married in Las Vegas by Elvis. *Makes air quotes* Elvis.

Oh God I said something half complimentary about Bella and Edward.

Edward and Bellend, sorry, _Bella_ head to a meadow. Edwards talks about sex. Bella is all, _nah mate its fine. Gonna get married alright lad?_ (I got bored and changed her dialect. Shh!) They then decide to tell Charlie about their engagement. Do mein eyes deceive me? They decided to _**TELL CHARLIE SOMETHING?!**_ Yep, its in bold. Its that much of a shock.

The epilogue ends with Jacob who had joined Broken Hearts Anonymous. He receives an invitation to Bella and Edwards wedding, but Edwards all you don't have to come if you don't want to. I think the real question is, if Jacob came would he bring his shirt? Probably not. Jacob is all *heavy intensified breathing* and he turns into a wolf to let out some of his feelings. Okay. Want a doggie biscuit Jacob?

* * *

Next Time on Twilight Reviews:

 _Cuts to a shot of a wedding cake._

Weddings!

 _Cuts to a shot of Renesme or whatever their creepy spawn is called_

Babies!

 _Cuts to a shot of a Dalek, which proceeds to exterminate Bella_

A happy ending- okay, fine that one didn't happen.

Until next time!


End file.
